Baby Showers The Second Time Around

The objection, and what it is worth

The traditional position is that a shower is for a first baby, and that a second one is a request for gifts from people who have already given. It still carries some weight, and hosts are right to be aware of it.

It is also weaker than it was, and it rests on a narrow view of what a shower is for. Gifts are part of the occasion but not the whole of it. A second or third child is a considerable event in a family's life, and the friends who gathered the first time generally want to mark it again.

The way to answer the objection is by scale rather than by renaming. A smaller gathering, fewer guests, less emphasis on the parcels — and the criticism has nothing to attach to.

What a sprinkle is

A shower for a subsequent baby is now commonly called a sprinkle, and the name captures the difference: a lighter version of the same thing.

A sprinkle is typically smaller than a first shower, shorter, and held for close friends and family rather than a wide guest list. Gifts are modest — often consumables rather than equipment — and sometimes optional altogether. Games are frequently dropped in favour of simply eating and talking.

The format suits the circumstances. A woman expecting her second child has less time and less energy than she had the first time, and an afternoon of structured activity is less appealing than an afternoon of sitting down.

What is actually needed

The assumption that a family already has everything is only sometimes true, and it is worth checking rather than presuming.

The things that genuinely run out are nappies, wipes, and clothes in whatever size and season the new baby will need. Those are always welcome and never duplicated.

Equipment is more variable. A cot or a pram may still be in use by the older child. Car seats have expiry dates and may need replacing. A baby arriving in a different season needs different clothes, and one of a different sex to the first may need a good deal more than expected — though far less than the shops would suggest.

The gap between children changes everything. Eighteen months apart and most things are still in the house. Eight years apart and almost nothing is: the equipment has been given away, and the safety standards have moved on in the meantime.

The children who are already there

This is where a second shower can do something a first one cannot.

A new baby is a large change for an older child, and a party held entirely about the baby is an odd thing for them to sit through. Including them properly helps: giving them a job on the day, letting them help choose the cake, and inviting a few of their own friends if the format allows it.

A small present for the older child, opened alongside the others, is a kindness that costs very little. Guests can be told this is welcome; many will be glad of the steer.

Formats that work

• A gathering after the birth, so the baby is there and gifts can be specific. The arguments for and against are set out in Deciding when to have the baby shower, before or after.
• A meal or an afternoon with no structure at all — no games, no theme, no gift opening, just people in a room.
• A shower focused on the mother rather than the baby, with gifts chosen for her: something to read, something to eat, something restful. She is the one who receives nothing at a party held about her second child.
• A practical shower, where guests bring food for the freezer, offers of childcare for the older children, or vouchers for a meal out once things have settled.

That last category is consistently the most useful and the least often given. An offer of a specific afternoon of babysitting, written on a card and meant seriously, is worth more to a family with two children under three than almost anything wrapped.